You CAN Say "NO!"

"In all Adam's small life we taught him not to take candy from strangers. All the things that we thought were appropriate. But we also taught him to respect authority figures unequivocally: that he should be a little gentleman. I think if we had put more emphasis on the fact that he had the right to say 'no,' maybe the outcome of his case might have been different . . . he might have been alive today if he wasn't such a little gentleman."
- John Walsh, "How to Raise a Street Smart Kid," HBO

". . . he tricked his victims into going with him willingly. If a child just said no and made some noise, he left him or her alone."
- "Child Abductions: What a Mom Must Know," McCall's

Children should understand that there are times when they do not have to be perfect little gentlemen and ladies. A child who can say "no" to an adult when he is uncomfortable or scared will be the child who has a chance to keep himself safe. Most parents like to think that they are raising polite children, but when a child's personal safety is being threatened a child should not have to worry about whether or not he is going to offend an adult or hurt an adult's feelings. What he should be able to focus on is: "Am I going to be safe if I do what this adult is telling me to do?"

Abductors often approach children with "lines," which are designed to short-circuit the child's instincts. These lines could include: "Can you help me find my puppy, Sammie?" or "You could be a model. Can I take your picture?" or "Can I help you tuck in your shirt?" If an adult approaches a child with a "line," the child's natural instincts or "gut" may be shouting "no." But the child's belief that adults must be obeyed can interfere with his ability to listen to his instincts. Because the child was raised to be respectful of adults, and to be kind and helpful, he may follow the adult's request. He may not even stop to think that he can refuse.

As parents, we have to make sure our children have our approval to say "no" when anyone attempts to do anything that does not feel right to the child. We should make sure children know that their personal safety is more important than being kind and obedient.

As part of understanding when it is okay to refuse an adult's request, your child should know that trustworthy adults normally do not ask children for assistance, such as asking for directions or carrying packages to a vehicle. Such seemingly harmless requests are being used by abductors to trap children.

Action Steps

• Teach your child that it's better to be safe than polite.
  By the age of two children have already discovered the power of the word "no." Direct this natural instinct in a positive way by teaching your children that they have the right to say "no" to adults who make them feel uncomfortable with their requests or touches. Teach your child that if someone gets too close, say "no." And if someone asks them to do something they don't usually do or that doesn't feel right, say "no." Then, they should get away and tell as quickly as possible.

• Give them supporting statements.
  Besides "no," teach children expressions that they can use when any person's actions make them uncomfortable. For example, they can say: "Please stop, I don't like that," or "That's not fun anymore; I don't want you to do that." To help get them comfortable with asserting themselves, you can role-play together. For example, you, a family member, or family friend can hug them tight or tickle them and they can use these types of phrases to stop you when they've had enough.
• Test their ability to say "no."
  To ensure that your children are comfortable saying "no," play "what-if" games. Ask them, for example, what they would say if your neighbor came over and started tickling them and they didn't like it. Keep asking "what-if" questions like this until you are sure that your children feel comfortable expressing their feelings to adults. They should practice saying "no" in a clear, forceful voice. To help them further integrate the concept, you can even make a fun game of saying "no" in a variety of ways, such as saying "no" like a mouse or saying "no" like a lion.
• Reassure them that you are on their side.
  Assure your children that you will never be mad at them if they refuse a request for physical attention or appear to be rude to an adult in the process of keeping themselves safe. Let them know that you will handle the consequences if that adult is annoyed or mad, or if their feelings are hurt.

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